Dirty Little Secret
by SiriusMarauderFan
Summary: Petunia thought she knew everything about her husband, but there's one thing he's been keeping from her. one shot.


**Author's Note:** This should be pretty close to the top of my "Things I Never Thought I Would Write" list. Blame Lamia.

Written for…

Weekly Elimination Weird Prompt Competition.

Unusual Ships Challenge.

 **Dirty Little Secret**

Petunia couldn't remember the last time she'd had a quiet, relaxing day at home. Quiet was something that just didn't happen when you were married to Sirius Black, and she had long-ago accepted that. She considered herself extremely lucky, then, when Sirius was asked to go to some big Quidditch match and Lily offered to take the kids for the afternoon, leaving Petunia with a blissfully empty house.

She spent hours in bed, reading celebrity gossip magazines and catching up on her soap operas. She was just in the middle of learning who the father of Constance Melanie Hardcastle's baby was when a tapping from the window interrupted the revelation. Keeping her eyes trained on the screen, Petunia opened the window for a familiar owl.

The package it dropped on her bed was rectangular and thin. She recognized the messy handwriting as her brother-in-law's.

' _Look what I found!_ ' it read. Petunia found her curiosity piqued, although she knew too well that James and Sirius' sense of humor often made very little sense.

She ripped the brown paper until the magazine beneath was uncovered.

" _Playwitch_?" she read. The magazine wasn't foreign to her. She'd found Sirius' stash of _Playwizard_ back when they were dating and still conducted regular checks for any stragglers that might have made their way into her home. What was most alarming was the image of her husband, young and rugged, waving up at her from the cover and wearing nothing but a pair of tight red boxer shorts.

There was a minute chance that it was all a horrible joke. James could have easily found that picture of Sirius and magicked it onto the magazine. It seemed like the sort of thing he would do, Petunia decided. To be certain, she found herself flipping through the pages until her eyes landed on a stark naked Sirius Black.

After tossing the magazine in the rubbish bin and asking Lily to keep the kids for the night, Petunia busied herself with cleaning every inch of the house, as she usually did when she was upset.

As much as she would have loved to forget what she'd seen, she knew it was impossible. Not only were those images imprinted in her mind now, James would probably come to ask if the magazine had been delivered and then there'd be no hiding what she saw.

:-:

Sirius sauntered through the door at six-thirty, smelling like alcohol and excitedly spewing of statistics about a game Petunia had no interest in.

"What's got you upset?" he asked seriously after taking one look at their spotless kitchen.

"James sent something for you," she told him, pointing to the bin. She tapped her fingernails against the counter as she waited for him to see the magazine. The guilt on his face as he picked it up was not enough to get her to back down. "Care to explain?"

"It's not what it looks like," he said calmly, dumping the magazine back in the bin.

Petunia scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest. "I never knew you were such a pervert."

He flinched. "That's a little harsh, isn't it?"

"There was a _house-elf_!"

"It's not like I slept with it! It was just … there. Some people are into that," he explained, wrinkling his nose. "Better that than a flobberworm, I suppose."

"This isn't a joke!" Petunia shouted. She reached for the crystalline vase on the counter – a wedding gift – and attempted to throw it at his head. Luckily her aim had never been great, and the vase hit the wall beside him.

"I know you're angry, but domestic violence is not the answer!" he yelled back frantically.

"I'm sorry," she said, calming slightly as she watched him clean away the broken glass with his wand. "How could you do this to me?"

"I didn't even know you then!"

"That's funny, because I feel like I don't know you even now!"

Sirius sighed, slumping into a chair at the kitchen table. "I'm sorry, alright? I should have told you."

"Why didn't you?"

"I was ashamed. I didn't even want to pose for the damn thing, but it seemed like the thing to do at the time. I was just out of Hogwarts and I needed the money…" He sent a spell toward the bin, sending the contents up in flames. "I'm so sorry."

She melted, leaning into his side and kissing him. "So am I. It doesn't matter." And then another thought struck her. "Oh no, what if the children find out?"

Sirius smiled, and she was glad to see it again. "That issue was discontinued six months after it was published. I don't even want to know what James had to do to get his hands on a copy, but there's no way we'll ever come across one again."

"Good. I just have one more question."

"Yeah?"

"Do you still have those boxers?"


End file.
